The Disappear Rule: How to Enjoy Your Life Before It's Gone
- Sara Johnson, BA, Psy
- Jul 26
- 6 min read
Updated: Jul 31
A gentle yet profound mindset shift designed to break the toxic cycle of conditional self-worth and help you find joy in the entire process of living, not just in the moments of achievement.
 | It's not about more discipline, stricter schedules, or a new productivity hack. It’s a gentle trick called "The Disappear Rule," a shift in perspective designed to help you break free from the exhausting cycle of self-improvement and finally enjoy the life you're living right now. |
Takeaways
Recognize the "Good Zone -> Struggle -> Comfort -> Negative Feelings" cycle that keeps you stuck.
Understand "conditional self-worth," the belief that you're only worthy when you're improving.
Learn that traditional self-improvement can sometimes worsen this cycle by focusing on a future "you."
The Disappear Rule is about finding joy in the process of striving, not just the outcome.
Practice enjoying all parts of your life, even the "bad days," before they disappear.
Let me tell you about Andrew. He has big goals and vibrant aspirations. He wants to get in shape, to feel successful, to build a life he’s proud of. And yet, he feels perpetually stuck. A stressful day at work derails his fitness goals, leading to a night of comfort food. A moment of friction on a project leads to hours lost scrolling, numbing his worries away.
From my work in psychology, I see Andrew’s story everywhere. It's the story of feeling like you're taking one step forward, only to be pulled two steps back. It’s a frustrating cycle, and its roots are buried deep in a common psychological trap. This article aims to illuminate that cycle and introduce a profound, gentle solution: The Disappear Rule.
The All-or-Nothing Trap: A Look at Conditional Self-Worth
Andrew is caught in a loop that many of us know intimately. It’s a developmental pattern we learn, not a personal failing. It looks something like this:
The Good Zone: You're on track. You’re eating well, exercising, making progress on your goals. You feel good about yourself.
The Struggle: Life happens. A bad day, a setback, a moment of weakness or fatigue. The path forward suddenly feels hard.
The Comfort: You reach for an action that provides immediate relief but sets you back—the comfort food, the social media scroll, the procrastination.
The Negative Feelings: Guilt and shame wash over you for the "comfort" action. You feel like a failure, which only makes you feel worse.
This final stage is the most treacherous, as it often pings you right back to stage three in a self-soothing loop, or eventually, when you can’t stand it anymore, you exhaustedly return to stage one. Psychologists call the engine driving this cycle conditional self-worth.
It's the deeply ingrained belief that "I am only good enough if... I am constantly improving, achieving something difficult, or being perfectly disciplined." It’s an exhausting, all-or-nothing mentality. You are either perfect, or you are a failure. There is no middle ground for simply being human.
The Problem with "Getting Somewhere Else"
Now, you might think the solution is more introspection or a renewed focus on personal growth. But here’s the paradox: sometimes, that's just more of the same. The real problem with the traditional self-improvement model is that if you are always trying to get somewhere else—to become a future, better version of yourself—you'll never be able to fully accept and enjoy being right here, now.
Your present self becomes a constant "before" picture, an obstacle to be overcome. This mindset, while seemingly productive, only fuels the conditional self-worth that keeps the cycle spinning. It’s a valuable part of our journey to work on embracing imperfection for personal growth, rather than seeking perfection.
The Disappear Rule: Enjoy Your Life Before It Disappears
This brings us to Andrew's profound insight, The Disappear Rule. It is beautifully, radically simple: Keep striving, but find ways to enjoy the process. And if you have a couple of bad days, find a way to enjoy that, too.
This isn't a call for hedonism or abandoning your goals. It's a call to change your relationship with the journey. Life is a one-way street, and before you know it, you will be at the end. The point is not just to arrive at the destination as a "perfected" person, but to have enjoyed the scenery along the way.
Think of a road trip. The goal is to reach a destination, yes. But the true richness of the trip isn't just arriving. It's the quirky roadside diners, the singalongs to the radio, the unexpected detours, even the flat tire you laugh about later.
How to Practice The Disappear Rule
Let's revisit Andrew. How does this rule change his behavior?
His Fitness Goal: Instead of forcing himself through a workout he hates, he finds a form of movement he genuinely enjoys—maybe it's hiking while listening to a podcast, or joining a dance class. The primary goal shifts from "getting in shape" to "enjoying this hour of movement." The fitness becomes a delightful byproduct of joy. This approach can also improve our motivation and emotional regulation.
The Bad Day & Comfort Food: A stressful day happens. He feels the pull for pizza. Instead of fighting it, then caving in, and then feeling shame, he practices The Disappear Rule. He decides, "Tonight, I am going to enjoy a pizza. I will savor it, be present with it, and accept it as part of my day." By removing the guilt, he breaks the cycle. He has enjoyed his comfort without the corrosive negative feelings, and he can wake up tomorrow ready to enjoy a healthy breakfast.
This approach dismantles the all-or-nothing mentality, allowing for the full spectrum of human experience without judgment —a key component of mindfulness and mental clarity.
Summary
Many of us are trapped in a cycle of conditional self-worth, where our value feels tied to constant achievement, leading to a loop of progress, struggle, and guilt. The Disappear Rule offers a compassionate escape. It’s a simple but profound invitation to find joy in the process of living—in the good days and the bad, in the progress and the detours. By shifting our focus from desperately trying to become someone else to enjoying being who we are on this one-way journey, we can break the cycle and truly start living.
Life is fleeting. The moments of struggle, the moments of simple comfort, and the moments of triumph are all part of its intricate texture. Don't wait for a future version of yourself to start enjoying it. The person you are today is worthy of joy. Embrace The Disappear Rule, and start enjoying your life before it disappears.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does this rule mean I should just be lazy and abandon my goals?
Not at all. It's about pursuing your goals from a place of joy and self-acceptance, rather than from a place of fear and self-criticism. The "striving" is still there; you just change your relationship with it.
How is this different from "toxic positivity"?
Toxic positivity ignores or denies negative feelings. The Disappear Rule acknowledges the bad days and finds a way to accept or even enjoy them for what they are—a quiet day, a moment of comfort, a lesson learned—rather than pretending they don't exist.
What if I truly can't find joy in a difficult situation, like grief or illness?
The rule is about perspective, not delusion. In deeply painful times, "enjoying" might translate to "finding a moment of peace," "allowing myself to rest without guilt," or "appreciating a small comfort." It's about finding grace, not forcing happiness.
How do I start applying this today?
Pick one thing you do for "self-improvement" that feels like a chore. Ask yourself: "How can I make this process more enjoyable?" It might mean changing the activity, the environment, or simply your mindset toward it.
What if I still feel guilty after a setback?
That's okay! Unlearning conditional self-worth is a process. When guilt comes up, gently acknowledge it and remind yourself of The Disappear Rule. Say, "That was part of today's journey. Tomorrow is a new part."
About Sara Johnson, BA, Psy
Sara is a researcher and advocate for healthcare access. With a background in psychology and a deep understanding of human behavior, she brings a unique and engaging perspective to the critical discussion of wellness. Her work seeks to bridge academic insights with practical application to foster personal growth and balanced living and advocate for systems that uphold human dignity.
